Are you achin’ for some bacon, she’s a big pig, a pig named Molly Moo.

I may have mentioned that I have a House Pig. Yep, a house pig.

A pigger, a piggypiggypiggypiggy. Molsie, piggie poo… You name it we have probably said it to her, there is no shortage of stupid, cute names for her. Family members have offered to hold luau’s at their homes for us with Molly as the main event. Especially after one flip flop enabled toe snuffling incident that is still unfortunately traumatic for a much loved Sis who does NOT like her feet touched.

We adopted Molly from a loving home in which a change of circumstance made it impossible for her to stay there. My oldest daughter had been pleading for a piggy for a year so the timing seemed right and we jumped.

Well, that was a mistake. There was so, so much we didn’t know.

As most owners of supposedly “tiny piggers” find, “tiny” is relative. She will never be a 600 lb behemoth but she is also not a 20 lb tiny any more. She is currently coming in around 45 lbs of solid piggy and will have her first birthday in October. She will continue to grow and gain weight until she is 3 and then her life expectancy is around 5 years.

Female pigs will be aggressive unless spayed. $300 + cost at the large animal vet (OUCH). They also foam at the mouth occasionally which is supposed to stop when they are spayed. Didn’t.

She was raised around dogs and let outside to play, she came litterbox trained and loves to cuddle. She has the cutest pink nose and it is capable of finding anything remotely smelling like food or earbuds at 100 yards. She loves crunchy earbuds the more expensive the better, and Chapstick and oatmeal and well, she IS a pig. So far the only things she won’t eat are ginger and onion.

It is ridiculously cathartic after finding her in the pantry, AGAIN, eating rice or flour to call her a fat pig.

Molly is extremely intelligent and we have had to buy treat balls to keep her entertained.

Even though we SCREWED A BABY GATE INTO THE WALL to keep her from raiding the pantry, she will go to it several times a day testing a new spot to see if her curious pink nose can push through. So far the food defenses have held, we humans also check the gate daily for weaknesses.

Having a pig is like having a cute charming beguiling bi polar angry persistent toddler who will scream at the top of her surprisingly large lungs when you do something she does not appreciate.

Today, my husband was feeding her a lunch of yesterdays left over salad and some fruit. He has been working with her not to charge at her food like a bull running down a disarmed matador. He spent a solid 5 minutes pushing her back from the bowl and telling her to “wait” (She is expected to wait all of 3 seconds but it is hard people.).

She grunted and grumbled at him the whole time much like a disgruntled teenager who knows they should just stop talking but prolong the whole ordeal with their half baked  “I know everything and I am shocked you survived into adulthood with out my brilliance” kind of attitude.

I was laughing the entire time, I mean it was funny!

” No Molly, I said Wait! Squeal squeal, grunt grunt squeal!  Molly, I said WAIT. You are just making this take longer that it needs too… Squeal scrabble scrabble grunt grunt.” and so on for 5 minutes!!

HAHAHAHAHA!!!

My husband didn’t agree.

If you are thinking of getting a pig, think again! Go visit someone who has one and volunteer to pig sit for the weekend. Do your research, A LOT OF RESEARCH. And then, if you have looked at your zoning laws, your HOA, your neighborhood restrictions and your neighbors and you still want a cute little piggy, by all means talk to a reputable breeder. Go visit the farm and play with the pigs there and then, then get yourself a darling little piggy.

Cause, she’s a fat piggo but we love her. Even though ours was trial by fire training, and “oh good merciful heavenly beings what have we done” research, we’re keeping her!

Seriously, nothing better than a warm pig belly in the morning!