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What keeps you up at night?

In the midnight grey, as your heart calms, the sound of your pulse stops crashing in your ears, the small sound comes again.

What keeps you up at night?

Is it the monster under the bed? That monster that creeps inch by inch, just as you relax and your breathing evens out? Do you startle awake and spend the next several minutes trying to calm your racing heart all the while sliding your foot back inside the covers because it’s “cold…”

Is there a noise, just a quiet sound. In the day with the sun shining, this small anomaly would go unnoticed, unheard. In the midnight grey, as your heart calms, the sound of your pulse stops crashing in your ears, the small sound comes again. Mind already drifting into the cottony cocoon of an REM cycle, the sound fades into white noise, blending into the nightscape.

Until it stops, eyes snap open again. In its absence, your breath is trapped in your chest. Your ears strain for what has caused the air to still, your sleep warm skin, to ripple with fear. Instinctively, you know. You have waited every night for this moment. It has twisted your dreams into cruel inescapable torture.

Cold sweat breaks out, you are motionless. One thought races across your brain, ESCAPE! You must escape. You must survive, you must prevail, with out you….. all is lost.

I have often found real life to be scarier than fiction.

Is the sound an email alert from a client at 2:00 AM demanding to be heard and responded to? Is it an incoming text from your boss…? Did Facebook or Instagram sound as a friend you haven’t spoken to in 20 years liked your post?
Do you have a meeting tomorrow, a presentation for the board, an important delivery due to arrive the next day that only you can receive and ONLY if you are there with in the 7 hour time frame they gave you??

Do you have a sick child and a sleepless night? An anxious child who cannot face tomorrow with out melting down tonight? Is there a school project due that you found out about at bedtime as your little angel snuggled in and closed her eyes?

Do the expectations of others stand first in line screaming at you, taking space in your head and crowding out everything else? ?

Are you in a safe place?

What do you have lurking under your bed, in your head? What steals your sleep and keeps your eyes open into the wee hours while everyone else dreams?

Here is one more question friends – Is it based in FEAR?

After all, what do we have to fear but fear it’s self? Sounds as though it is a small thing, a pat it on the head and send it off to bed thing.

Fear can be a parched, never ending desert. Walking through a door to a place you have never been. Fear can be desperate, visceral, incapacitating and at it’s very best, it can also be motivating.

Fear knows a secret, it has a window of opportunity to hook you, to slam the exit door in your face and bind you up. Fear needs us to grab on and hold on tight. To NEVER LET IT GO, so it whispers in our ears the end of all things. It breaks us down inch by inch into a box of our own making, behind a wall we build with our own hands.

For me? In this specific moment of my life…. whether or not to publish this post. Can I really take a huge leap of faith AGAIN with something new. Am I good enough, smart enough (definitely not feeling young enough) to step into somewhere I’ve never been?

I tell my babies “Don’t let fear be the boss of you! Let it make you braver and stronger, don’t let it stop you from doing the hard things”. Fear is a thief, it steals time from you, time you will not get back. Don’t let it win.

If we pry open our fingers one by one, we let it go.
When we let go of what hold us down, we can see the opportunities that lay before us. We can step into who WE aspire to be. Be the boss of your OWN fears. Close your eyes and look into your mind and find your fears, your monsters. You know where they live. Stand at the bridge with your hand raised and shout “You Shall NOT PASS!!”

Push your fears to the threshold and shut the door on THEM. Lock it and throw the key into the fathomless deep and walk away.

As the beautiful Sara Bareillas  says – I wanna see you be BRAVE!

-Apria

 

Side note, I AM jumping into the unknown. The new and scary.. I will keep you updated as the journey continues friends!

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