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I do believe in Fairies, at least I really want to.

The tapestry of my life has been woven and unwoven again and again in different patterns. The only constant is the thread, me.

Let’s talk, just a minute on expectations vs. reality.

Expectation is all sunshine, rainbows and perfect hair days, reality…BLAH.

I am writing this just because I am in a place and want to share my thoughts with you. Has any one else been in the same here or there? Come commiserate with me, pull up a chair and settle in. It’s a bring your own whine gathering.

The picture I posted at the top of this post is the reality, of the expectation, of having a dishwasher. For the first time in 8 years, at a previous home I lived in. I was curled up inside a corner cabinet, using a saw zaw to cut out a section of the wall, to feed the pipe through, so the the dishwasher could actually get water, from the brand new plumbing system we installed. (Did that sentence run on much..)

I imagined, when we bought it at the store, all the pretty clean dishes put away in the cupboards. No more half washed crusty things to have to re-wash put away by less than attentive kids. Awesome right?? Well, my rose colored glasses definitely blinded me to all the work of installing a dishwasher, in an OLD home that had never had one before.

It was hot and by the time I was done I was covered in pokey little wood chips. Then I had to suck in and wiggle my self back out, much to my kids amusement. But dang it, I LOVED that dishwasher.

What do you want to be when you grow up? I didn’t know. In the rush of life, I never slowed down enough to know I was missing something important. It became glaringly obvious though, as I got older, and my life’s focus went from keeping littles alive and mostly unharmed during the days, to time without them. All of the sudden my world opened up and I had no notion of what to fill it with.

I’ve spent the last 5 years trying to figure out that question. There is not only ONE answer though, there are many things I enjoy doing, I’m even pretty good at some of them. I CAN actually earn a paycheck even!

I had the idea that I would move in to a new town, be the same smart, capable, friendly person who I had been before my move and employers would welcome me with open arms. I would get the job I felt was perfect for my family situation, that paid well.(Well, at least as much as what I had been making..) They would see how hard I was working for them and the love would rain down.

Clears throat, BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! Not. Nope. Nuh-uh.

The reality of the situation has been humbling, somewhat painful and at times discouraging. I have had to remind myself that even though I know who I am and what I am capable of, (and it’s taken me a good long time to figure that out) THEY DON’T. And I cannot expect them too. I have to be willing to start somewhere, and then I can wow them all. I have to meet people and network. I gotta work, so I can work.

Some times things stink though, and sharing them is the help you need to make the stink bearable. The movie the Labyrinth, while much more terrifying to me as an adult, does a great job illustrating this concept.

The Bog of Eternal Stench. The adventurers have to traverse a sulfurous bog that emits stanky gas (complete with ridiculously accurate sound effects) frequently, in order to rescue the baby brother from the goblin king AKA, the late and much loved, David Bowie.

But there is not another way, so into the nasty they must go. There’s a lesson in that.

I must take the opportunities as they come and not wait and watch as they pass me by. It is not enough to simply put out into the ether the goals that I have. My blood, sweat, tears, hope and faith are a part of the formula that will eventually (as long as I don’t quit) help me to succeed.

And now, I have tired of my pity party. I do try try be a positive person on the whole and I don’t like attending this particular form of entertainment! Just take a hard pass and bin that invite.

Why then, did I start this?

Because everyone needs a good whine. Everyone needs to vent and complain and bemoan their situation once in a while.

AND THEN I WILL GET OFF MY BUTT AND MAKE MY LIFE HAPPEN.

Seriously, no one is as invested in my future as I am. No one is going to
work as hard for what I want as I will.

The tapestry of my life has been woven and unwoven, again and again, in different patterns. The only constant is the thread, me. I don’t ascribe to the thought that you pick a job, a career, and that’s what you do for the rest of your life. I DO believe that there are seasons in our lives, for experiences and learning and doing DIFFERENT things.

I started writing this as a regular post and long about the middle decided that it was fit for my eyes only, it’s so full of meandering thoughts. It has jumped around and been edited, been chewed on, shoved into the terminal drafts and brought back out. The reason I am sharing is because I met a friend, she has been kind enough to read this blog and actually seems to enjoy it! (I am feeling the surreal-ness here)

She said to me today that I should share it. Not all thoughts are pretty, like not all pictures are pretty… but they are both REAL. Someone out there is going to read this mess and maybe it will help them lift out of the mire and follow where the swami swans went. (Think The Lifted Lorax) When your own brainscape is where the muck is you have to GET OUT and make a better place.

I do believe in faeries, I do, I do. And it’s that same hopeful faith in my somewhat mythical and debatable abilities, that will pick my sorry kiester up and take it new places. To do something, ANYTHING!! I may fall on my face along the way, but I’ll get up again. 😉

-Apria

2 comments on “I do believe in Fairies, at least I really want to.

  1. I love it! Now get out there and make something of yourself. Dreams only come true if we get down and dirty. You will be successful because you want to be!

    Like

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